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Power Ranking Thursday - Fantasy Football Punishments

This Power Ranking segment was inspired by the Power Rankins my fantasy league used to write in high school. Each week we'd switch off ranking each other's teams -- comparing the teams to things from Fast Food restaurants, teachers at our school, holidays -- anything we could think of. So it seemed fitting as fantasy football season approaches to use it as our topic today. And what's more fun than Last Place Punishments.


For those unfamiliar, most fantasy football leagues enact a punishment for whoever comes in last. These range from paying extra league fees to getting a tattoo commemorating their failure. But this isn't going to be a list of the craziest punishments I've seen -- because most reasonable people wouldn't agree to them. These are the funniest, most doable, and entertaining punishments I've seen/heard of/participated in. Without further ado:


Honorable Mentions


Viral Dance on TikTok

Have to post a TikTok dance every single day until you go viral, get 10K likes, views, etc.


Draft Day Butler

Loser has to be the Butler at next year's drafts. Make everyone's dinner, get them beers, clean the house, etc.


Butter Dog

One of the earliest punishments one of my leagues did. S/O Bentrup eating the Garlic Butter Dog that nearly made me throw up just watching him. (butter dog is a stick of butter in a hot dog bun if you're unfamiliar).


Street Performer

Waiting outside Busch Stadium with drumsticks and a bucket in hand, having to play music until you make X amount of dollars.


Open to Close at a Bar

Too close to a Top-10 punishment, but going to a bar when they open and can't leave until they close -- each drink you have takes off 30 minutes.


Top 10


#10 9x9x9

Kicking things off with a simple one that's fun for all involved. If you don't know already -- this is the 9 inning, 9 beers, 9 hotdogs challenge to be done at a baseball game. I've never done a 9x9x9 myself, but kind of think I'd dominate it. But I don't necessarily think a fantasy punishment needs to be the most difficult thing in the world -- it needs to be something that gets the whole league involved and isn't fun (or at least the aftermath of it isn't fun) for the guy doing it. Cause even if your buddy clears the challenge in 5 innings, he's going to be clearing his bowels for the next 24-48 hours, so it's a win-win.


#9 Beer/Milk Mile

Combining something gross with something physical is a winning combination for me when it comes to League Punishments. And while a mile run may not seem like much, a lot of us fantasy footballers aren't in the most prime shape. And running a mile while trying to finish a gallon of milk is an equalizer for all fitness levels. I personally lean toward the milk mile over beer mile (drinking a beer for every lap - 4 beers 4 laps) for the grossness factor. If you really want to spice up this punishment, add in a costume for the loser.


#8 Duct Taped/Tied in Place

Tried and failed at a punishment in this category in my College League. We used a Saturday Darty to zip-tie our league's loser to the deck and put a big "LOSER" sign next to him, but let him off easy untying him shortly after. If we had any integrity, he'd have still been zip-tied to that deck when the pledges came over Sunday morning to clean the yard. I've also seen leagues get even more creative -- Duct-taping someone to a tree for the whole party is a particularly fun option. Just keep feeding 'em beers and put them in a diaper for bathroom breaks, they'll be fine.


#7 Kid's Birthday Entertainer

I've never actually seen this one be done, but is an incredible concept, especially as league mates start getting married and having children. If your league is close, it's an easy one to pull off as well as it's probably an event everyone will be at anyways. Can get as creative as you want to, but in the simplest terms, the loser of your league is the entertainment at a children's birthday party. Whether that's throwing them in a full clown fit and having them make balloons, or having them paint faces or draw caricatures, or a magic routine. Hell you could give them an instrument and send them out there for all I care. The cringe comedy fans will love this one.


#6 Costume Night Out

This is one that's been kicked around in our pre-season meetings for years, but we've never pulled the trigger as the members of our league become more spread out. But friends of mine have done this one in the past, and if nothing else it always produces some hilarious snapchat stories. Obviously no shortage of options, but I'm partial to throwing your buddy in a dress and wig and hitting the town. Added layer of fun if it's the fuckboy of your league and you catch them trying to chat up ladies in a skirt. But another one I've seen on Twitter that gets a laugh every time is the giant inflatable dinosaur costume -- probably wind up getting kicked out, but so worth it.


#5 Retake the ACT

Another one that's always thrown out as a suggestion but we've never gone with because we're a bunch of cheap bastards. And it's also not the most fun as a non-league-loser because the guy getting punished is locked in a room taking a standardized test with teens. But to that I say, tailgate while they take the test. What better way to spend a Saturday Morning than playing washers and drinking beer in a high school parking lot? Not to mention how much it would fucking SUCK to have to take the ACT again. Added bonus: they have to beat the score the dumbest league member got when they took it in High School.


#4 Paintball

This is a slightly biased ranking because one of my league's just did the punishment a few weeks ago, but God damnit it was awesome. Everybody got 3 shots with a paintball gun at the loser standing X amount of feet away. It was super quick, super painful for the loser, and free if you know someone with a paintball gun. But you could also take this to an actual paintball place and make a day of it with the boys. Another idea we had was setting up 2 "safe zones" about 50 yards from each other and making the loser run between the safe zones while getting lit the fuck up. Added fun, say the loser has to drink a beer/eat a donut/etc each time they hit a safe zone.


#3 Bowling Alley

This has been the punishment of choice the past couple seasons for my main leagues, shoutout Pardon My Take. For this one, the goal for the league loser is to bowl a perfect game. Simple! But since most of us aren't Pete Weber, the way you can knock pins off your score is drinking beers and eating hot dogs. You can change the amounts, but let's say it's -10 pins for either. That means if you eat 6 hot dogs and drink 6 beers, you only have to bowl a 180 to win the challenge. Regardless of how you cut it, this is a punishment that brings the whole league together, fucking blows for the loser, and is relatively cheap if you find the right alley (and BYO Dogs).


#2 Waffle House 24 Hours

A true classic that I'm sure every league out there has considered for their season punishment. The rules are simple: you spend 24 hours at the local Waffle House, and every waffle you eat takes an hour off your time. Eat 12 waffles, spend 12 hours there, etc. The kicker is to make them live stream their entire stay so they can't just sit there watching movies or whatever else. That way everyone in the league doesn't have to spend their day at Waffle House, just the unlucky loser. This is a relatively inexpensive, mind-numbingly boring punishment that will make you second guess joining the league again next year. And if you don't have a WH, any 24-hour restaurant will do.


#1 Open Mic Night

And finally, my #1 choice of fantasy punishment is Open Mic Night for the loser. I think I've suggested this punishment every single year my league is deciding, and it's been chosen one time, but it fell through because our league loser quit (fuck you Connor!). Regardless, the fact that this punishment is so bad it made someone quit is all the reassurance I needed that it's a great punishment. Other added bonuses -- it's essentially free, is an excuse to get the league together, and is a hilarious vehicle to watching your friend embarrass themselves. If you really want to get crazy, you can write a couple jokes for them, but if I lose there's no shot I'm taking suggestions from those assholes. But this is something that can make even the most confident friend of yours crack, and creates the best possible cringe-comedy scenario I can think of in a fantasy football punishment.


Comment below what your league does for their last-place punishment, and let me know which you think would be the worst on this list. And as always, if you have ideas for future Power Ranking Thursdays, please let me know!


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