Power Ranking Thursday: Guys On The Golf Course

We are back for Week 3 of what has quickly become my favorite time of the week - Power Ranking Thursday. Now that we've covered the hard-hitting topics -- like August Sucking and Sand Volleyball being sick as hell -- we can dive into a more light-hearted prompt. And with the US Open at Oakmont starting today, Golf was the easy choice. "Guys You Golf With," AKA the prototypes of the people you play with or the randos you get paired with. Everybody's played with one of these guys before, and if you haven't, it's because you are them.

Honorable Mentions

Incapacitated by Hole #4 Guy

Can be a ton of fun, but can also be the reason your round takes 6 hours as he trips and falls into a bunker or starts chasing geese out of the fairway.

Breaks out a Stogie on the Front 9 Guy

Usually a sicko with the stick and good for a few slurs, this guy can bring the vibes up early in a round just as easily as he can get you in trouble with your wife post-round.

Would Rather take a 9-iron to the Forehead than Hit From a Bunker Guy

This is very much a me prototype. Bunkers are scarier than domestic terrorists for me. Would rather try and punch out a ball resting against a tree trunk than hit a simple greenside bunker.

Reads Every Putt the Opposite Way of the Break Guy

Another fun character to have around for a round, and falls under the umbrella of bad golfer that I always appreciate. "You seeing Left to Right?" No you donkey, half a cup right.

#10 - Gives Up by the Back Nine Guy

Kicking the Top 10 off with one of the most despicable golfers you could ever get paired with. This goes up a notch of wretchedness when they're your partner in a scramble (Looking at you Nash, although he typically quits by hole #3). This is the guy that hits a handful of bad shots and loses all interest in the round. Quick hits a putt in frustration, talking in a backswing, telling you to hustle up cause he wants to get home. Don't be a Nash -- be better.

#9 Pace of Play Abuser

The guy that takes 4 practice swings before shanking a 7-iron. The guy that reads a 7-footer like he's studying thermodynamics. There are a lot of factors that go into slowing down POP, not just over-analyzing your shots over the ball. Maybe they're slow out of the cart, or forget to put their glove back on, or grab the wrong club consistently. Whatever the reason, nobody likes to play a 6-hour round of golf. And there's always one group of numbskulls ruining it for everyone, causing the course to back-up like the private stall toilet in a fraternity house.

#8 "My Back's Flaring Up" After his 8th Lost Ball Guy

Being the complainer I am, it'd be easy to let myself become this guy. But I'd rather suffer in silence than make excuses for my shitty play under the guise of back issues. "Oh I see, the only reason you've hit your last six drives into the lake is because you have back spasms," Likely story you Whiny Bitch. I think it's actually because you're swinging out of your shoes and your club face hasn't seen any action since your 5 Handicap Buddy took a couple hacks at the driving range with it.

#7 Can't Get off the Tee Box Guy

I couldn't make a whole list without one of the prototypes being blatantly about me. I'm a bad golfer in general, but I have days where I look real competent with the irons, wedges, or putter in my hands. But I have never, and probably will never, be able to hit a driver. Which is ironic being a big dude - most would expect the big guys to be able to rip a ball 250+ even if it's not in the fairway. But I instead am in constant fluctuation between slicing a 180 yard drive into Grandma's House, or pulling hybrid and barely clearing the lady tees with my "low stinger" (topped pussy swing). Nightmare scramble partner.

#6 Thinks Every Putt is Going In / Every Drive is in the Fairway Guy

This is a sign that you're playing with a newbie typically, and even I'm guilty of it often. You hear a pure sound off the driver and the ball takes off, "It's gotta be good!", and it winds up in the forest. It's a nice sentiment, but have to wait till we see the ball land to start congratulating our partner. Same goes for putts -- again, we're all guilty at times -- but these are heartbreakers when they don't go. Even the best putts can lip out, and calling a putt good too early will land you in hell with your group.

#5 The Stick with Mental Issues

This is a fun one to play with if you like watching chaos unfold like I do. Everybody's got friends that are great golfers -- maybe you have a handful. But think about those guys that can really swing it. Now think, "would I be shocked to hear that they were committed to a mental institution?" In my world, it's about 50/50. Watching them nuke a drive, stick a high lob wedge to 12 feet, then lip out a putt and scream obscenities you couldn't even fathom. Breaking a club over their head is just as likely as them shooting sub-80, and that's why we come along for the ride.

#4 Flirts with the Cart Girl Guy

It's not a common occurrence, but when it happens it's like watching a Toyota mini van barrel-roll down the freeway -- horrifically captivating. I gripe about the lack of service carts at courses these days -- that's another reason POP gets backed up because everyone's stopping for turn dogs and six-packs. But every so often you get caught in the perfect storm: your single buddy with a hankering for Transfusions and a cart girl who knows she's about to drain his bank account. They're always coming back with shots and a snickers and empty wallets.

#3 DJ Foreplay - Cart Speaker Guy

There's nothing worse than showing up to your round and realizing none of you brought a speaker. Just a bunker rake to the vibes of the day. But it's also not ideal to play a round of golf with the guy that's blaring terrible music because he's the only one that did bring a speaker. That's why the DJ is such an important piece to an ideal day on the links. Somebody who knows what the group needs at any given moment. Indispensable piece to a 4-man scramble.

#2 Designated Driver Home

Obviously more often than not, when you go to play golf you're driving yourself to the course. But when it comes to a golf tournament/scramble, it's always 100x more fun when you can get rowdy knowing you have a safe ride home. Ideally, the DD is someone with kindness in their heart that isn't golfing that day so all 4 members can get belligerent. But sometimes that isn't possible, and a hero must step up to the plate. Maybe you got beat up the night before, or have commitments after the round, or you're just a fucking good human being taking one for the team. And it usually benefits the golf game as an added bonus.

#1 Vibes Guy

Not everyone can go out and play incredible golf. Not everyone has the power to pipe a 300-yard drive, or the finesses to spin stop a chip shot, clear a lake from 225+ with a hybrid. But anyone can bring positive vibes with them to the course. That's a club in everyone's bag, but it's about whether you can hit it. Some days, the vibes guy is the one with positive talk on the way to the cart after a bad shot. Some days they're the one playing bangers on the speaker. Some days they're getting buckled in between shitty shots and making the group laugh. And some days they're the guy sinking deep putts and hitting electric shots all over the course. When you go home after your round, and when you get done thinking about all of the absolute shite shots you hit over the 5 hours -- you're thankful the Vibes Guy was there.

As always, let me know any ideas you have for future Power Rankings, and enjoy the US Open this weekend!